Reflecting on this Deployment

I know it's been awhile since I last posted.  Not even sure if anyone reads this anymore.  Just wanting to write down a few thoughts and feelings I've had through this deployment.  More for myself than anything.  So if you are reading this I apologize in advance if this gets lengthy or doesn't make much sense because I'm sure I'll be all over the place.

Well, I've almost made it to the end.  I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I have made it! The days have really slowed down.  I feel like they are barely crawling by like they did those first few weeks after Brian left.  The days and nights seem to take forever, yet I still don't feel I have much time to get things done around the house like I'd want to.  Part of that is the fact that I'm 9 months pregnant and have no energy.  So let's journey back to the beginning and see where this takes us.

The day Brian left.  Wow, what a numbing day that was!  I remember just watching the clock.  Wishing I could just make it stop!  But then again, you also just want to get this part over with.  The date he was supposed to leave was pushed back by a day and then the time got pushed back the next day as well.  I can vividly remember putting Kailyn down for a nap and Brian and I just looked at each other and said, "Now what?  What should we do?"  So we turned on the TV and both stared at it.  I'm sure both of our minds were off thinking of something other than what was being played on the TV.

Then it was time for him to get dressed in his uniform.  I watched him put it on, again just feeling numb.  Feeling the burning in my eyes from holding back the tears and the lump in my throat grow larger. This whole process almost felt like he was moving in slow motion.  Zipping up his top ever so slowly and smoothing it all down after he finished.  Then we look down at his packed bags and know it's time to go.  So we go get Kailyn and head to the car.    The drive on to post was pretty quiet.  Brian and I didn't talk much.  Sometimes Kailyn would make a happy noise and it would just remind me that she had no idea that her daddy was going to be leaving for 270 days!  I looked out the window a lot during that drive.  If I looked at him or Kailyn I knew I'd have to fight back more tears.

We get to the building where I would be having to leave him.  We hang out in the car for a bit and then head in.  The mood inside was all over the place.  People were talking and smiling while others were quiet and just numb looking like us.  Then they had formation. Kailyn and I watch with a lot of other family and friends.  Here she is eating a fruit snack as they did their thing.

Next the got their weapons.  This was all starting to sink in and seemed more real.  He was leaving for war and there was nothing that I could do or say to get him to stay.  He had a job and I was proud of him for serving our country.  Then we find out that the time for them to leave had been pushed back another 1.5 hours or so.  Now what? More waiting! It's getting closer to dinner time and we both didn't eat much for lunch so Kailyn and I rush out to go buy us some dinner since he couldn't leave.

We get back and manage to eat.  The time was ticking away.  I knew shortly I'd have to say my goodbye and watch Brian say his goodbye to Kailyn.  I hope to never have to experience a day like that again!  Brian walks us back to the car.  I give him one more hug, not wanting to let go.  Kailyn is getting fussy and is already in her car seat. I get in and Brian opens up the back door to say goodbye to her one last time.  He shuts the door and looks in at me.  I knew I had to get out and get in one more hug.  So I did.  I could see another wife/girlfriend hugging her soldier by her car as well.  I just had to leave.

Driving away was hard.  I had to stop on the side of the road twice to wait for the tears to stop.  I didn't want to go home with just Kailyn.  I wanted to turn around and take him with us.  We get home and start the counting down of the hours until he gets to come home again.  It's getting close to bedtime for Kailyn so I get her PJ's on and watch her as she searches the house looking for Daddy.  Calling out for him wondering where he was.  Even opening up the garage door to look out there.  I remember thinking, How am I going to make it through this?

The answer is, you just do! There's no other choice.  You start to make plans and try to get into a new routine.  It's hard when the plans and routines don't involve your husband! The hardest times for me on a normal day were when Kailyn was asleep.  The house gets quiet and your mind wanders.  You also become hooked to your phone, fearful you will miss a call.  Skyping with him that first time was wonderful.  Here is Kailyn getting to see Daddy for the first time, and sadly this is now how she knows him....a face behind a computer screen!

Our first big event to look forward to was our trip to San Antonio to visit friends.  This was nice because it got us out of the house and away from the constant reminder that Brian was gone.  Kailyn and I had a lot of fun, we didn't want to leave to go back home.

Shortly after making it back to Kansas, we make our first of many trips back home to Nebraska.  We visit family and friends and we also make our first visit to the ER.  Kailyn's elbow dislocated for the first time (it's happened three more times since then).  I remember wishing I could just pick up the phone and call Brian.  It sucks having to wait for him to make the call.  I needed him and I couldn't talk to him! He did end up calling while I was holding Kailyn down getting her elbow x-rayed.  I remember getting back into the room to find two missed calls from that strange number that I have come to know so well now.  How could I get him to call one more time?  I want to talk to him! I want to tell him about his baby girl! So I text his mom to see if she could send him a message on skype to have him try us again.  This works! This was one of many times I wished I had a smart phone so I could have internet to send him a message if we were out and about and I missed his call.

We make it back home to Kansas and I know it's time to see if maybe I was pregnant.  And I was and yes it was planned! I just didn't think it would work since it took 22 months to get pregnant with Kailyn and this time it worked the first time!  Now to tell Brian.  I thought of many cute ways including having Kailyn point to my belly saying baby to Brian while we skyped.  Or having her wear a big sister shirt and see how long it took Brian to notice.  Of course I had no time to work on any of that because that next time he skyped in I just had to tell him.  Now, not only was I going to be the only person to care for Kailyn from day to day.  But I was going to have to do this while pregnant.  Let the nausea of the first trimester begin!

That first trimester was hard, but luckily I wasn't as sick as I was with Kailyn.  Still, she spent way too much time sitting and watching Mickey Mouse as I laid on the couch miserable.  Not only was I trying to play the role of both Mommy and Daddy for her, I had no energy to do so and I felt nauseous the whole time. Luckily Kailyn was a lover of Mickey Mouse as you can tell by this picture.

Trying to shorten this up a bit.  The next several months include visits back home to Nebraska, a trip to Colorado to visit Kailyn's Uncle Todd and Aunt Sarah came with and play dates with friends here in Kansas.  We also had a quick mini vacation to Kansas City with my mom, brother and sister in law.  My mom was able to come down quite a bit to help me whenever I had a busy week or weekend of photo shoots.  My grandparents made it down for a long weekend of photo shoots and my step mom and mother in law were both able to come down for a day to help me as well!  I relied a lot on my friends and neighbors to help me with the rest.  I am so grateful for all the help and truly don't know how I could have made it this far without it! Even friends far away who offered up an ear! LOVE YOU ALL!

Next came the whirlwind of holidays.  Thanksgiving, Kailyn's 2nd birthday and Christmas.  All which were bittersweet.  It was wonderful to be surrounded by more family but it was also sad that Brian was missing out on more! Kailyn has become more interactive and talkative.  She's a sweet little girl with such a fun and loving personality.  I hated that he was missing out on that.  Even though he could see glimpses of it through our skype calls and my stories to him.  It's just not the same as living it day to day!

She's sitting with Daddy in her chair. :)

We've made it to the last month! January is finally here! We are counting down the days and we have four more visitors to look forward to.  Kailyn's, Aunt Sarah came down for New Year's Eve.  The first weekend my Aunt came down to help me take down Christmas decorations.  The second weekend my step mom came down to help me prepare for the new baby.  Oh yea, kind of forgot about that! A baby will be here in the matter of weeks!! It's a race to see if baby or daddy would make it home first.  Thankfully it looks like Daddy will win! My last help was my mom and she just left.  She came to help me with just odds and ends.  Next comes Brian! We have made it! Hopefully we don't see much change as far as day and time of his return.  Though I've been warned by many of my military friends that it will change!  Gotta love the uncertainties of the army.  Just hoping it doesn't change by much so Brian's folks can make it down for the homecoming ceremony as well.  It will be a joyous occasion regardless of any time changes!  I just hope these next few days and hours pass by quickly.

From the photos you can see how much Kailyn  has changed over these 8 months.  She went from saying only a few words, to stringing 3 sometimes 4 words together to make a sentence! She also went from 6 teeth to 18! Grew I don't know how many inches and can do pretty much anything by herself.  So I'll leave you by posting two photos of me so you can see how much I have changed as well! LOL!

Here's a link to a pretty good write up.  I didn't get a chance to read it all, but it did describe my experience pretty well! http://marriedtothearmy.com/dealing-with-the-emotional-roller-coaster-of-deployment/

PS I am ever so thankful that Brian is able to come home earlier than he was expected to.  If he were on the flight that he should have been to begin with, he would have most definitely missed the birth of our second child.  I am blessed that this deployment was only 8 months instead of 9 months.  But even more so, I'm blessed that it was 8 months rather than the 12+ months that I know many of my friends have had to endure! How you ladies did that is amazing!!!  I'm so over it all after just 8 months.  I can't imagine him only coming home for R&R right now.  Being home for just 2 short weeks before heading back over for another 3-4 months! I just don't think I could do that.  But then again, you just do.  You have no choice!

PPS Sorry for any typos don't have time to go back and proof read.

I'm Back! This will probably get long. :)

Sorry to be MIA the past month and a half or so.  Life has been so busy, even though I can't say we're doing a whole lot.  I'm just exhausted right now.  I believe everyone that reads this already knows this, but we are expecting another baby to arrive sometime in February! My nausea has been almost as bad as it was while I was pregnant with Kailyn and the exhaustion seems worse this time.  Probably because I'm chasing a toddler around by myself, 24/7! Well technically not 24 hours a day because she sleeps a good 13-14 hours each day.  

My expected due date is February 11th.  This is about two weeks before Brian will be expected home.  We're both hoping they send him home a little early so he does not miss the birth.  Last night I tried getting a photo of some shoes to use as our Facebook announcement.  I want to say something like, "Kailyn is excited to welcome home two loved ones in Febraury".  However, I was unable to get a good shot of just the shoes because a certain little someone kept eyeing them and stealing them before I could get a good angle and a good shot.  See below!

  

Shoe Thief!

I have been keeping myself busy with photo shoots here and there.  I'm pleased with my progression thus far.  I should post a pic from my first photo shoot and my last one I just had.  I'm never 100% pleased with a shoot, but I think that's a good thing because I'm always finding things I want to improve upon.  Okay so top two photos will be from my first photo shoot and the second two will be from my last one I just had yesterday.

Oh man! A little heavy on the vignetting there, Kristen! :)

Kailyn has been doing pretty well.  Again, most that read this have all probably heard about the issues we've been having with her hip.  Luckily it seems to have gone away.  Also, her supposed "psoriasis" that she had underneath her diaper is completely gone.  Turns out it was some sort of fungal infection.  Doc said ring worm, but I thought that was super contagious and spreads pretty quickly.  These red patches have been under her diaper area for MONTHS now and Brian nor myself has gotten the ring worm.  Either way, I'm glad it doesn't appear to be psoriasis.  We are keeping her dermatology appointment in August just to be sure.  

Lastly I will leave you with a video of Kailyn.  She has been picking up on so much lately.  Here is a little taste of the things she knows.  Sorry it's kind of long.  Trying to show her Daddy all that she has learned. :)

Oh and we are working on getting rid of the pacifier.  Once Brian left, she became so addicted to it.  She's slowly going back to only having it for her naps and bedtime.  Which this video was taken right before bed.  I'm also trying to wean her.  So I'll probably continue to let her have her pacifier until that process is over.  I'm proud to say that she's still nursing and I'm not in a huge hurry to wean her completely just yet.  Though, I'd like to get her down to just nursing before bed.  I do want her done by two years old so we have a good three months before the new baby arrives.  If she chooses to wean before then, then that's great.  

Two years old is the recommendation now by the World Health Organization.  I feel I have to say this to some people when they look at me funny when they find out she's still nursing.  Before I had her, I thought I'd be done once she hit a year old.  I thought it'd be weird to have a toddler walk up to you asking for milk.  But it's not weird to me at all.  The only part that stinks is the awkward looks people give me and the comments they make when they find out she's still nursing.  Her pediatrician is the worst! She wanted me to quit when she was 9 months old.  It's frustrating because both Kailyn and I are great with her continuing and it's so beneficial for her.  Especially since she still seems to have an intolerance for cow milk.  Okay, that's the end of my ranting. :)  Hope you all are doing well!

Oh goodness, I almost forgot to update you all on Brian.  He is doing well and for the most part is staying busy every day.  He's making a big difference over there for a lot of his patients.  He's told me many stories of guys that have had pain for a year or more and they walk away from one session with him feeling better than they have in years!  He's doing a lot of dry needling and is liking the results from all of that.  I still won't let him try it on me again though.  

13 Days Down

Well I have made it almost 2 weeks.  Parts have been easier, while others harder than I thought they'd be. I'm loving that Brian and I have been able to skype as much as we have.  Though I wish I could be the one to pick up the phone and call him instead of always waiting by my phone wondering if/when we'll talk.

Kailyn and I just returned from San Antonio.  We had a wonderful time visiting friends.  It was a great distraction, that's for sure.  I absolutely love San Antonio and my friends that live there.  I have so many fond memories and can't wait to go back again.  I will post some pictures on facebook soon.  Last night when we got home, reality really sunk in.  When I first opened our garage door and I saw Brian's car my heart started to race for a very brief second.  For that second I had the hope that he was home waiting for us.  But alas, we came home to an empty house.  Ok, it wasn't completely empty.  Our two cats were there to welcome us home, crying for some attention.  :)

I stumbled across this poem and I feel I can relate to quite a bit that it says.  Though I feel that I have many friends and family members that do know and understand what I'm going through.  And for that I'm very grateful!

You don't know, but I'm the girl who cries every night, and hopes every morning for his safe return. 
I'm the girl who drags herself out of bed every morning so that he will be proud of her when he comes home. 
I'm the girl who lies in bed longing for him to be lying next to me. 
You don't know, but I'm the girl with a million things to say, but not one will come out without the thought of him. 

I'm the girl who stops and stares and wishes for him to return soon each and every time another man in uniform walks by. 
What you don't know is that I know love on an entirely different level from most. 
I know the love that spans time and space; that love that most people are constantly searching for. 
I'm one of the girls who waits months for a single kiss; a kiss that will make the months apart worth every second. 
A kiss where everything in the world stops and for what seems like eternity, you can see into that person's soul and know that without them, life is not worth living. 

You tell me I don't even understand what love is, I tell you, I know more love in one homecoming, than most know in a life time. 
You don't know that every time he leaves, part of me goes with him and part of him stays with me. 
You tell me that people change and I tell you, true love will always remain constant and steady. 
You tell me you know how I feel and that you understand what I'm going through; you have no idea. 
What you don't realize is that I understand the true meaning of not only love, but of longing and anticipation. 
You don't see, but I'm one of the few who gets goose bumps as my heart fills with pride every time the National Anthem is played. 
I'm one of the girls who will stand tall and stay strong on the outside, but be dying on the inside. 

I am one of those girls who will make friends with complete strangers for only they can even begin to understand what I am going through. 
You don't understand that I picture his face everywhere I go and that he is with me in everything I do. 
You think I don't cry anymore, that I have gotten over it, but what you don't know is that I just hide it better. 
You don't know the feeling the first time you hear the word deployment or the feeling of his hands as it slides out of yours for what could be the last time. 
You don't know what that last hug or kiss means and how important that goodbye truly is. 

I'm the girl you see walking by with a disheartened face staring silently at the ground. 
What you don't know is, that I know true love and that no matter what obstacles we have to face, our love will live forever, that only we know. 
You tell me that you support the troops; I tell you, I'm in love with one. 
I'm one of the silent, but outgoing; weak, but strong; scared, but grateful. 
What you don't see is that without me, he is nothing and without him, I am nothing. 
I'm one of those girls; the girl who stands tall behind her Soldier, stands proud behind her Hero, stands strong behind her man, watching silently as he serves and defends our country. 


--Author Unknown

Almost Finished!

This will probably be short and sweet.  I'm hoping to blog more once school is finished.  I'll probably do it a lot while Brian is deployed so he can see pictures and videos since he doesn't do Facebook.

I'm almost done with school.  Two more regular weeks left and then finals week.  I have two homework assignments, two major projects and two finals and I'm DONE!  FOR GOOD!  Yep, I really don't see myself going back to get a doctorate or anything of that nature.  I'm so excited to be finished but that also means Brian will be leaving shortly after that.  So I want to the time to be here but I don't.

Kailyn is doing well.  She's starting to get a little attitude and definitely knows what she wants.  She's talking so much more now and seems to be doing better with tubes in her ears.  She has 6 teeth all the way in (two on bottom & four on top) but her back molar on the bottom is almost all the way through with another little one on the bottom just breaking through up by her two front teeth.  It's definitely strange how they are deciding to come in.

She's keeping us busy and making us laugh daily.  She likes to call for Daddy in the mornings when she wakes up.  This is so sweet!  She's also really good at saying and signing "please" when she wants something.  She's even tilting her head a bit and smiling a sneaky smile.  It's so cute and SOOO hard to say no sometimes if we don't want her to have or do something she's asking please for.

She's loving her popcicle in this last picture.  It feels good on her gums. 

Hello again!

It's been a while since I last posted. I've been very busy with school, my photography and just life with Brian away right now. I'm losing motivation to do my school work. I'm ready to be done. Just a few more months. It's difficult because I just want to do photography, especially when there's no job opportunities around here using my Operations Research degree. I know it'll be worth it in the end. And I'm sure I'll snap out of this feeling of no motivation soon.

The month hasn't been too terrible with Brian gone, it just stinks that I can't even talk to him!! I've had some pretty huge things happen these past few days and I just wish we could talk about it together. I've had to make some decisions on my own involving our house in San Antonio. Luckily I have some wonderful friends and family that I had no problems calling to discuss those scenarios with. Our current renter needs to break the lease early (she's been there almost 2 years) and we had an offer from some new renters that they would like to sign a 2 year lease but wants us to decrease the rent by $45 a month. Anyway, I countered with saving them $20 a month for a 2 year lease and I'm still waiting to hear back. The other thing that I really want to discuss with him is what's going on with my Dad's case right now. I went up to Lincoln this last weekend to meet with family to go over the case. It's hard going through all of this with Brian gone. I find myself laying awake at night a lot just crying and going over things in my head. Just having Brian by my side helps so much, even if it's him snoring in bed next to me. Enough with all of that! Let's talk about Kailyn!

Kailyn is doing great. She's sleeping so well at night for me. I think we're finally through her waking up once at night to nurse. She's been going 10-12 hours straight for almost a month now. It really started once she went to daycare and she decreased the number of nursing sessions each day. She's eating so much more now too so I know she's not hungry in the middle of the night. She's such a happy little girl and she's definitely made this month go by quicker. She picks up new things daily. She still doesn't say too much verbally, but she's signing to me pretty well. We go to the doctor April 2nd to have tubes put in her ears and they're also going to cut the frenulum on her upper lip. It's causing a huge gap on her two top teeth and they might as well take care of it now while she's under getting her tubes put in. I'll leave you with some pictures I took today of her in the shower. Normally she's fine playing in the bathroom while I shower. But the last few times she feels like she needs to be in the shower with me. She LOVES it! She's definitely a water baby!

Video

Kailyn provides us with so much entertainment and even more laughter. We love this little girl!

Another Kailyn Update!

I'm finally done with this semester of schooling. Feels good to be finished on time so I can actually enjoy Christmas break instead of catching up on projects and finals. Brian took this entire week of from work so that has been nice. We went home last weekend for three family Christmases. It was great to see everyone (while not being sick like Thanksgiving). It was also a little hard without my Dad. But I like what a close family friend said, "he was there for every laugh, hug and tear."

Kailyn's third and fourth tooth broke through this past week. And I see two more up top trying to come through. No wonder she hasn't been sleeping very well for me at night. I'm sure most of you saw my post about her 12 month check up. She's doing great, took the shots really well, and I'm not following the advice of her pediatrician of stopping with the nursing and transitioning to cow's milk. She's 31 inches tall and 21.5 pounds. She's growing and developing wonderfully.

Kailyn does this new thing we like to call, "happy feet". She gets really excited and moves her feet up and down really fast like she's marching in place. Sometimes she spins in circles at the same time. Too cute! She still loves to take a bath. We're working on the sign for bath. She hasn't gotten it down yet, but if I say the words she runs over to the bathroom door waiting for us to open it. Then she rushes over to the tub and opens up the shower curtain. All the while trying to climb up into the tub.

I'm amazed at how fast she learns things. She can now do the sign for "more, all done, cheese, milk, book, eat, drink, and help". Help is the newest one. The real sign for help is to have a closed fist with your thumb up resting on your other palm and then lifting your first up off of your palm. I think she sees me have a fist similar to "milk" and it goes up high so she just signs milk up high over her head, usually with both hands! Here's a picture of her doing it.

Earlier today she went to go get a book from her book shelf and they were wedged in pretty good. So she signed for book and then help. It was pretty cool to see! I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas. And sorry that my Christmas cards are going out late. You'll probably receive them sometime after Christmas.