Reflecting on this Deployment

I know it's been awhile since I last posted.  Not even sure if anyone reads this anymore.  Just wanting to write down a few thoughts and feelings I've had through this deployment.  More for myself than anything.  So if you are reading this I apologize in advance if this gets lengthy or doesn't make much sense because I'm sure I'll be all over the place.

Well, I've almost made it to the end.  I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I have made it! The days have really slowed down.  I feel like they are barely crawling by like they did those first few weeks after Brian left.  The days and nights seem to take forever, yet I still don't feel I have much time to get things done around the house like I'd want to.  Part of that is the fact that I'm 9 months pregnant and have no energy.  So let's journey back to the beginning and see where this takes us.

The day Brian left.  Wow, what a numbing day that was!  I remember just watching the clock.  Wishing I could just make it stop!  But then again, you also just want to get this part over with.  The date he was supposed to leave was pushed back by a day and then the time got pushed back the next day as well.  I can vividly remember putting Kailyn down for a nap and Brian and I just looked at each other and said, "Now what?  What should we do?"  So we turned on the TV and both stared at it.  I'm sure both of our minds were off thinking of something other than what was being played on the TV.

Then it was time for him to get dressed in his uniform.  I watched him put it on, again just feeling numb.  Feeling the burning in my eyes from holding back the tears and the lump in my throat grow larger. This whole process almost felt like he was moving in slow motion.  Zipping up his top ever so slowly and smoothing it all down after he finished.  Then we look down at his packed bags and know it's time to go.  So we go get Kailyn and head to the car.    The drive on to post was pretty quiet.  Brian and I didn't talk much.  Sometimes Kailyn would make a happy noise and it would just remind me that she had no idea that her daddy was going to be leaving for 270 days!  I looked out the window a lot during that drive.  If I looked at him or Kailyn I knew I'd have to fight back more tears.

We get to the building where I would be having to leave him.  We hang out in the car for a bit and then head in.  The mood inside was all over the place.  People were talking and smiling while others were quiet and just numb looking like us.  Then they had formation. Kailyn and I watch with a lot of other family and friends.  Here she is eating a fruit snack as they did their thing.

Next the got their weapons.  This was all starting to sink in and seemed more real.  He was leaving for war and there was nothing that I could do or say to get him to stay.  He had a job and I was proud of him for serving our country.  Then we find out that the time for them to leave had been pushed back another 1.5 hours or so.  Now what? More waiting! It's getting closer to dinner time and we both didn't eat much for lunch so Kailyn and I rush out to go buy us some dinner since he couldn't leave.

We get back and manage to eat.  The time was ticking away.  I knew shortly I'd have to say my goodbye and watch Brian say his goodbye to Kailyn.  I hope to never have to experience a day like that again!  Brian walks us back to the car.  I give him one more hug, not wanting to let go.  Kailyn is getting fussy and is already in her car seat. I get in and Brian opens up the back door to say goodbye to her one last time.  He shuts the door and looks in at me.  I knew I had to get out and get in one more hug.  So I did.  I could see another wife/girlfriend hugging her soldier by her car as well.  I just had to leave.

Driving away was hard.  I had to stop on the side of the road twice to wait for the tears to stop.  I didn't want to go home with just Kailyn.  I wanted to turn around and take him with us.  We get home and start the counting down of the hours until he gets to come home again.  It's getting close to bedtime for Kailyn so I get her PJ's on and watch her as she searches the house looking for Daddy.  Calling out for him wondering where he was.  Even opening up the garage door to look out there.  I remember thinking, How am I going to make it through this?

The answer is, you just do! There's no other choice.  You start to make plans and try to get into a new routine.  It's hard when the plans and routines don't involve your husband! The hardest times for me on a normal day were when Kailyn was asleep.  The house gets quiet and your mind wanders.  You also become hooked to your phone, fearful you will miss a call.  Skyping with him that first time was wonderful.  Here is Kailyn getting to see Daddy for the first time, and sadly this is now how she knows him....a face behind a computer screen!

Our first big event to look forward to was our trip to San Antonio to visit friends.  This was nice because it got us out of the house and away from the constant reminder that Brian was gone.  Kailyn and I had a lot of fun, we didn't want to leave to go back home.

Shortly after making it back to Kansas, we make our first of many trips back home to Nebraska.  We visit family and friends and we also make our first visit to the ER.  Kailyn's elbow dislocated for the first time (it's happened three more times since then).  I remember wishing I could just pick up the phone and call Brian.  It sucks having to wait for him to make the call.  I needed him and I couldn't talk to him! He did end up calling while I was holding Kailyn down getting her elbow x-rayed.  I remember getting back into the room to find two missed calls from that strange number that I have come to know so well now.  How could I get him to call one more time?  I want to talk to him! I want to tell him about his baby girl! So I text his mom to see if she could send him a message on skype to have him try us again.  This works! This was one of many times I wished I had a smart phone so I could have internet to send him a message if we were out and about and I missed his call.

We make it back home to Kansas and I know it's time to see if maybe I was pregnant.  And I was and yes it was planned! I just didn't think it would work since it took 22 months to get pregnant with Kailyn and this time it worked the first time!  Now to tell Brian.  I thought of many cute ways including having Kailyn point to my belly saying baby to Brian while we skyped.  Or having her wear a big sister shirt and see how long it took Brian to notice.  Of course I had no time to work on any of that because that next time he skyped in I just had to tell him.  Now, not only was I going to be the only person to care for Kailyn from day to day.  But I was going to have to do this while pregnant.  Let the nausea of the first trimester begin!

That first trimester was hard, but luckily I wasn't as sick as I was with Kailyn.  Still, she spent way too much time sitting and watching Mickey Mouse as I laid on the couch miserable.  Not only was I trying to play the role of both Mommy and Daddy for her, I had no energy to do so and I felt nauseous the whole time. Luckily Kailyn was a lover of Mickey Mouse as you can tell by this picture.

Trying to shorten this up a bit.  The next several months include visits back home to Nebraska, a trip to Colorado to visit Kailyn's Uncle Todd and Aunt Sarah came with and play dates with friends here in Kansas.  We also had a quick mini vacation to Kansas City with my mom, brother and sister in law.  My mom was able to come down quite a bit to help me whenever I had a busy week or weekend of photo shoots.  My grandparents made it down for a long weekend of photo shoots and my step mom and mother in law were both able to come down for a day to help me as well!  I relied a lot on my friends and neighbors to help me with the rest.  I am so grateful for all the help and truly don't know how I could have made it this far without it! Even friends far away who offered up an ear! LOVE YOU ALL!

Next came the whirlwind of holidays.  Thanksgiving, Kailyn's 2nd birthday and Christmas.  All which were bittersweet.  It was wonderful to be surrounded by more family but it was also sad that Brian was missing out on more! Kailyn has become more interactive and talkative.  She's a sweet little girl with such a fun and loving personality.  I hated that he was missing out on that.  Even though he could see glimpses of it through our skype calls and my stories to him.  It's just not the same as living it day to day!

She's sitting with Daddy in her chair. :)

We've made it to the last month! January is finally here! We are counting down the days and we have four more visitors to look forward to.  Kailyn's, Aunt Sarah came down for New Year's Eve.  The first weekend my Aunt came down to help me take down Christmas decorations.  The second weekend my step mom came down to help me prepare for the new baby.  Oh yea, kind of forgot about that! A baby will be here in the matter of weeks!! It's a race to see if baby or daddy would make it home first.  Thankfully it looks like Daddy will win! My last help was my mom and she just left.  She came to help me with just odds and ends.  Next comes Brian! We have made it! Hopefully we don't see much change as far as day and time of his return.  Though I've been warned by many of my military friends that it will change!  Gotta love the uncertainties of the army.  Just hoping it doesn't change by much so Brian's folks can make it down for the homecoming ceremony as well.  It will be a joyous occasion regardless of any time changes!  I just hope these next few days and hours pass by quickly.

From the photos you can see how much Kailyn  has changed over these 8 months.  She went from saying only a few words, to stringing 3 sometimes 4 words together to make a sentence! She also went from 6 teeth to 18! Grew I don't know how many inches and can do pretty much anything by herself.  So I'll leave you by posting two photos of me so you can see how much I have changed as well! LOL!

Here's a link to a pretty good write up.  I didn't get a chance to read it all, but it did describe my experience pretty well! http://marriedtothearmy.com/dealing-with-the-emotional-roller-coaster-of-deployment/

PS I am ever so thankful that Brian is able to come home earlier than he was expected to.  If he were on the flight that he should have been to begin with, he would have most definitely missed the birth of our second child.  I am blessed that this deployment was only 8 months instead of 9 months.  But even more so, I'm blessed that it was 8 months rather than the 12+ months that I know many of my friends have had to endure! How you ladies did that is amazing!!!  I'm so over it all after just 8 months.  I can't imagine him only coming home for R&R right now.  Being home for just 2 short weeks before heading back over for another 3-4 months! I just don't think I could do that.  But then again, you just do.  You have no choice!

PPS Sorry for any typos don't have time to go back and proof read.